i've not really applied myself to any real poetry in some time
i've had the time, just have not been so inspired
and have also realized the quality of my work has really lapsed
i've not properly applied my talents and certainly have not
"worked the craft"
hence the silence
i've been childlish and foolish in love and romance
however, i will say i've really been feeling like i've been in a bit of a time loop
as all of my history seems to be replaying itself
and yet i can see (and hope) that perhaps .....although i've dipped my toes in the pools of the past
i've not taken a swim (i hope!)

i sometimes wonder at my chosen "path" to try to help and guide people on their paths to inner healing

i still consult the astrological insights and have faith there is merit to these
for instance if your saturn transitting your relationship house you might just be experiencing some extra challenges, delays and frustrations in this area, however this is also an opportunity for you to learn patience and to truly understand that all relationships require work and its what you put into them that will determine what you sow, in fact as saturn returns are often times when we "reap what we have sown", i wonder if this might apply to its transit of the houses as well
i personally have this planet in my 12th house, the dustbin...
i wonder if that's why i'm having greater comfort in the structure of religion, whereas for most of my life, though a catholic, i've been content with my spiritual and more pagan outlook (mind you i've not abandonned these but have learned to compartmentalize)

just rambling on...
a composite of posts which could have appeared in any one of my sections that just seemed to overlap a few different areas

so....i've been considering a poetry course for the summer?
not sure yet,...
as i await word on my application for the winter....

and i also am considering if perhaps i ought to be just living in some mountain community someplace and there perhaps i'll find my mountain man (i have to admit to having been smitten by these rugged and natural types, the quiet, deep, thoughtful, soulful, music men of the mountains)...

a bientot pour maintenant mes amis
be well
be gentle with each other
all will work out
work on your own "stuff"....don't judge, condemn or project yours (as much as that is possible)

(Note: this should have been posted in the musings section, however i could not move it)

i was re-reading my astro notes for last week's full moon in Libra and the one for Virgo seemed to especially ring true
the whole topic of love and money and self worth seems to have come up for a number of us so i'll post something to that effect soon

something i was considering this past weekend as i thought about loved ones no longer with us to share the holiday....

missing friends and loved ones is especially trying at holidays times
to lose a friend or loved one at a specially marked time is a footnote
in history, forever ear-marked with a note of sorrow
it seems to happen more often than not
with the added pressure of holidays
that people pile extra pressure upon themselves and their loved ones
i'd like to ask that we all take it easy on ourselves and our loved ones
during this time
be gentle, kind, loving, patient
things will work out
just have some faith

not really a poem, just a childish lament

missing Lee where is he?
what is he? who is he to me? and i to him? and we to they and all of that....
it's been weeks since March 25th, the last text message
it's now April 11th
why did he leave without saying goodbye?
is he really where Bud says?
is this all a joke?
played by whom? and why?

Aaron's so angry he's punching fists in the wall
(to cover the ones in his heart he thinks)

i've been to the mountains and back
heard Rob Funk sing all those great bluesy tunes
with my new friend Mike
skiied the bowls at Blackcomb and Whistler
contemplated all i've done and been
all the loves i've lost
all the men i tried to help along the way
and still, here i am alone
since Christmas Eve

Mike W text messaged me the night before i left for Vancouver
how odd, what timing ....and what he wants of me i don't know
the last man to have broken my heart, ....before Lee

is it time to post that Poison song Lee?
time for the lament?
Bud said he'd let me know the outcome of your case on Tues. last...still not a word, no e-mail, no text message, no off-line IM, nada...still i wait...
i miss all those "music dates" we had on-line since Jan./Feb/March....where have you gone my friend, my love?
why have you gone away?

why do all men leave me eventually?
is this the better way? should i just move to the mts. and live there amongst bears and deer
soon i'll retreat back to the country to live there alone amongst wolves and coyotes....i suppose i always was the loner type, and still i hoped for a companion to join me there
the music man....the wanderer...the one that runs like the stream....bubbling over the rocks in my heart
i'll wait still....perhaps he'll come yet

katherine bandiera
April 11, 2006